REAL Conflict Management Coaching

Sam Hardy

2 October 2014

Conflict
Feel Behave
Anger

Frustration

Powerlessness

Anxiety

Confusion

Insecurity

Hurt

Avoid

Lash out

Scream

Talk to someone else – friend

Shut down

Self medicate

Punish them

 

Conflict Management
Feel Behave
Validated

Security

Empowered

Confident

Understood

Heard

Right

Free

Informed/clear

Able to communicate

Listen

Fair minded

Understanding

Recognize validate

Work with me

Humble

Problem solving

Respect

Patient

 

She’s done this 100s of time across different countries, and the lists are the same

 

How to get to the management what we do in conflict coaching

  • Talk to someone
  • Venting
  • Support – someone I trust
  • Safety – they are assured they are not judged. It doesn’t mean you don’t question them, but you support them and do no judge
  • Time out
  • Calm emotions
  • Rationally think though
  • Often, people just need a place to talk and be self reflective

Interventions

When a conflict is told in a Melodrama narrative, the person is not handling it well. What melodrama does is simplifies the story to 2 people and they are flat, simple characters

Melodrama sensationalizes

  • Humanize the opponent in Melodrama

Used their name

  • Fill in the context, what’s going on, grasp it’s not simple
  • Get the heroine to look at choices and actions (heroines in melodrama are passive and helpless)

Frame what they do in terms of choices.

Or ask heroine to say what they wanted to say if they had the opportunity. Have a laugh, then ask what she thinks would have happened. It opens up possibilities that they didn’t see

  • The heroine uses language that cuts off possibilities (blanket statements, “this clearly shows,” always, never, etc)

Melodrama

  1. Characters are either good or bad
  2. Audience is either with us or against us, when the audience sort of questions them, you think they’re in the other person’s camp

As a conflict coach, you have to be careful

 

Tragedy

  1. Characters are both good and bad, they are all flawed
Melodrama Tragedy
Characters are either good or bad

 

Characters are both good and bad, they are all flawed
Audience is either with us or against us, when the audience sort of questions them, you think they’re in the other person’s camp

As a conflict coach, you have to be careful

 

 

 

 

Heroine (stereotypically feminine)

·         Virtuous (obedient, chaste, )

·         Passive à mute (“I can’t talk to them”)

·         Suffer, wait to be saved or for suffering to be alleviated

·         Stuck, no choices

·         Want Dream Justice = all recognize the heroine’ virtue, the villian’s evil, villain is punished and everything returns to how it was before. Not practical often and comes at a cost

Hero (stereotypically masculine)

·         Flawed

·         Active, can make choices, independent usuallyàthey are vocal, they self reflect their problems

·         They suffer, but don’t dwell on itàfact of life, we learn or grow from the struggle

·         Agency, has choices

·         Usually we lose something. Win some, lose someàgrowth, something rises from the ashes

Certain/simplified Uncertain/complex
Comic hero is totally devoted to/in love with the heroine, but completely useless and sometimes confused. The villain will trip them up

She tries to be the comic hero for her melodramatic heroines. Completely supportive and quite useless to save them. She adopts this mindset and asks a lot a curious questions that can help the heroine find a ladder out of their prison

 

As soon as the heroine knows you’re not a tool for the bad guy, that you’re on their side, they buy in quickly and begin participating

Harder work to figure out what’s going on

 

She wants clients to move outside of a simplistic story and melodrama mindset, and move into the agency, complexity, and understanding that comes from seeing things through a tragic genred

 

Reflection

Engagement

Artistry – aim to do better than what things were like before

Learning

 

In conflict coaching, want ppl to have the 5 C’s

Clarity

Comprehension

Choices

Competence

Confidence

 

 

Advertisements